Month: May 2019

Looking deep into their own souls

Looking at oneself is one of the most difficult things to do, and not many can do it. Most people find it unsettling and uncomfortable, but narcissists find it life-shattering and horrifying. Narcissists are afraid of examining their own flaws and imperfections. This means that they are afraid of themselves. They do their best to create a false image of themselves as superior beings. However, deep down, they know that it is not true. And that’s why they are afraid of looking deep into their souls. 

– Being true to themselves

Fearing intimacy and avoiding closeness in relationships is the norm for narcissists, because they know that true intimacy requires authenticity. Those who get too close to them can see their inconsistency, dishonesty and falsehood. It is one of their biggest fears, as without their false narcissistic persona, they may not exist.

When narcissists feel that they have lost or they feel rejected or abandoned, they don’t forget it. We have all felt abandoned or rejected at times in our lives, and most of us get over it with a little time and processing of feelings. We move on. But the narcissist does not do this. Narcissists are not enough in touch with their own feelings to move on. The issues remain in their mind as “It’s all your fault.” “How could you do this to me?” They want to strike back.

The counter attacks and force of disdain and rage from the narcissist can feel like you are being bullied with no restraint. It can come in the form of emails, texts, letters, verbal abuse, social media attacks, or in-person abuse. Their narcissistic rage seems to come out of nowhere and can leave you feeling confused and afraid. “What will they do next?” “Why did that person do this?” It really makes no rational sense because it is clearly the projection of their own feelings onto others.

A narcissist usually also constructs a massive ego so as to defend a shatteringly fragile self-esteem. It’s a fatal combination, consisting of manipulative charm and relentless cruelty. And this usually depends on the levels of abandonment or indeed abuse, they themselves may have experienced as children.

As a result of their trust issues, which will have emerged out of any emotional abandonment, they usually develop and expect unusual levels of loyalty from others. If it isn’t given freely, they can become very angry and disappointed. As a result, they may walk away from relationships – if they sense even the slightest disloyalty. Unfortunately, if they ever get confronted or if anyone disagrees with them, then this could also be construed as a form of betrayal.

Abandonment issues are created through early neglect or abuse by the parent(s) who are unable to love or treat the child well due to their own psychological or addictive unresolved issues. Some parents are not emotionally available to fulfill the child’s needs and they are fulfilling their own needs by turning to their addictions, career, selfishness, anger or unresolved psychological issues. Other causes of neglect happen when the parents are unavailable when they work long hours or have a large family with not enough time and resources for all of the children. As more parents get caught up in alcohol and drugs or in their narcissistic needs, our societies will have more children growing up with issues of abandonment.

The neglected child feels an absence of being taken care of by others either physically or emotionally. The child can feel fear, shame and terror and absolutely powerless and hopelessness. Out of great insecurity and feelings of powerlessness, a needy child is born. If that child’s parents raged, the child learns to either suppress due to fear of being further rejected or punished or to express great anger.

Linking psychoanalytic studies with neuroscience has proven increasingly productive for identifying and understanding personality functioning. This article focuses on pathological narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), with the aim of exploring two clinically relevant aspects of narcissistic functioning also recognized in psychoanalysis: fear and decision-making. Evidence from neuroscientific studies of related conditions, such as psychopathy, suggests links between affective and cognitive functioning that can influence the sense of self-agency and narcissistic self-regulation. Attention can play a crucial role in moderating fear and self-regulatory deficits, and the interaction between experience and emotion can be central for decision-making. In this review we will explore fear as a motivating factor in narcissistic personality functioning, and the impact fear may have on decision-making in people with pathological narcissism and NPD. Understanding the processes and neurological underpinnings of fear and decision-making can potentially influence both the diagnosis and treatment of NPD.

“For someone with the narcissist personality disorder rejection is the ultimate insult. “They just cannot understand why someone would want to reject them because they see themselves as special and they expect to always get their own way.”

The major arguments for feeling sorry for the narcissist are:

1. A cause of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is childhood abuse hence the narcissist is a victim
2. NPD is an illness, therefore the narcissist cannot be held responsible for their symptoms
3. The narcissist leads a stunted emotional life that no one would envy

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is intrinsically difficult to identify by virtue of its effect on victims. Why? At the beginning of the relationship love bombing and idealisation convinces us we are indeed truly blessed in having found our ‘soul mate’. Who would want to walk away from that (for more on this read The narcissist’s ‘soul mate’ effect: How & why they do it)??

Then we slip into the devaluing phase of the cycle of abuse. The mask starts to slip and true intentions surface. Endless manipulative games centred on domination and control start to take over.

The strategies used are extremely effective and cause untold harm, including doubting yourself and your perception of reality.

If you are caught in this trap, you are questioning yourself rather than the narcissist…but does any of the information below ring true? Do you find yourself at the receiving end of any of these mind addling ploys?

Narcissists are people who often attempt to conceal their true personality. At their core is this uncomfortable feeling about exposing who they really are.

This stems from their childhood wound and the insecurity and self-consciousness they all possess.

Based on their implicit and explicit memories of unmet childhood needs, many narcs develop the notion that such needs will never be met later on in life. This primary fear is at the core of the narcissist’s flimsy and unanimated attachment to others. They compensate for the fear of not having their needs met through a well-executed, excessively autonomous style.

This cocktail of fear and overcompensation also leads to a lack of intimacy with themselves, a void of self-knowing. As a result, they become performers; actors that play a flawless role in order to mix with others and get what they are after, what lies under their secret agenda: money, status, shelter, sex, love, admiration,… this is the narcissistic supply they need to function in life. In order to lure people into their web and get this narcissistic supply, they put on an attractive social mask.