Month: September 2019

The belief systems of the person with a Victim identity fall along these lines:

• Life is really, really hard.
• Don’t get up, you’ll just get kicked back down again.
• Beware, always beware of trickery; it’s around every corner.
• You can’t trust anyone.
• I can’t.
• You just don’t understand how hard it is for me.
• Everyone is always picking on me.
• “They” are always bigger, badder and smarter than me.

These belief systems are in place to protect the Victim from ever having to really engage life and hurdle its hurdles. Doing so is just plain too risky.  No, the best way to cope is to just stay on the down-side of life, and never, never, never expect more.

If you typically get drawn into fixing other people’s problems, chances are, you’ve attracted numerous victims into your life. To identify if you are in a relationship with a victim, mark Yes or No to the following characteristics:

• Is there anyone in your life who often appears inconsolably oppressed or depressed? Yes/No
• Are you burned out by their neediness? Yes/No
• Do these people always blame “bad luck” or the unfairness of others for their problems? Yes/No
• Do you screen your calls or say you’re busy in order to dodge their litany of complaints? Yes/No
• Does their unrelenting negativity compromise your positive attitude? Yes/No

As mentioned in my last article in this series, a person demonstrates a victim mindset when he views negative outcomes as being due to the situation, another person or something other than himself. Brody is the personification of the arrogant victim, which can be identified by some definite attributes, including:

• A belief that they know what is best or the only way to do something

• Belittling of colleagues who do not have the same level knowledge or experience that the arrogant victims possess (even though the colleagues may, in fact, be capable people)

• Self-pity regarding the lack of results everyone/everything else allegedly prevents them from getting

Arrogant victims do have some things in common with doubtful victims. They are just exhibited in different ways. First, diminished self-confidence is involved in both forms of the victim mindset. With doubtful victims, the weakened self-confidence is more apparent by what they say and do. With arrogant victims, the diminished self-confidence is masked. Although arrogant victims give the impression of strong self-confidence, the arrogance is used in part to compensate for a lack of self-confidence.

Manfred F. R. Kets de Vries, Professor of Leadership Development and Organizational Change at the INSEAD Business School in France, described a victim mentality in his working paper, “Are You a Victim of the Victim Syndrome?”

Prof Kets de Vries says that someone with a victim mentality feels that he or she is beset by the world, and is always at a disadvantage because of other people’s machinations or lack of consideration.

But it isn’t just fate that causes a “victim” to experience more difficulties than other people. He may seek out disappointment, because it can give him a “kick” that psychologists call a secondary gain. This is when not resolving a problem can actually have benefits.

For example, someone with a victim mentality can feel pleasure when she receives attention or pity as a result of her misfortune. She may also get a perverse “thrill” from showing off the injury caused by others and creating a sense of guilt. And refusing to accept responsibility for a problem can be liberating.

Prof Kets de Vries says that, although this behavior can be counter-intuitive, manipulative and damaging, a “victim” may be genuinely unaware of his own complicity in his problems, and his secondary gain may be subconscious.

Source: Managing a Person With a Victim Mentality: Dealing With Team Members Who Won’t Take Responsibility

This topic came up in another thread, and I have been pondering this. Someone mentioned that it is very western and white to believe that you do not owe your parents anything for raising you. Whereas many other cultures believe you are to help your parents. Do you think this is true or false? I wonder if this falls along cultural lines or if this falls along NPD lines.

Parents who don’t make conscious decisions to invest in their retirement and live below their means DO have a choice. They are choosing present or future financial entitlement and opting to think about themselves instead of the family members that they eventually become dependent on.

Taking that a step further, what if they were 100% capable of earning an income to delay withdrawing from a tiny nest egg, but instead choose to not work at all and live now off of their paltry savings, knowing full well that in a few years they would be 100% dependent on their children or other family members? Do you still owe it to them to support them and that behavior?

Now what if a person is committing regrettable acts over and over again, and keeps asking for forgiveness? At what point does an apology become pointless? At this point, actions speak louder than words. When the person is hearing the same apologies and false promises over and over again, the words become meaningless. IF there is any chance for forgiveness, or another chance, the person needs to start demonstrating that they are capable of the changes they are claiming. It might take quite some time to build this trust back and have the person believe you, and your words again. You have watered down your credibility at this point. When your actions start to match your words, you start to rebuild the trust you have broken.