Month: October 2019

Proving the Untrue Statements

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As a marriage and family therapist, I often see couples who unknowingly step into the minefield of each other’s old wounds. False indictments of having an affair or being attracted to other men or women or other bogus accusations can reactivate old traumas. It’s impossible to defend oneself when the accuser’s mind is made up. There’s no way to produce evidence of one’s innocence. Continued protestations fall flat when a partner insists that they’re right and that you’re in denial.

How can we deal with such a quandary? Responding defensively to false accusations may only add fuel to the unfounded attacks. But saying nothing may convey that we’re guilty as charged.

Here are some guidelines that may help soften the cycle of accusations and defensiveness, and the resulting isolation and loneliness. And, of course, couples therapy may be helpful when couples reach such an impasse.

From the day Abby went on her first date with The Commander, she was caught up in a whirlwind. Within five months he’d proposed, and they’d moved in together. But there were red flags: strange stories of international espionage, involving Osama bin Laden and the Pentagon. Soon his stories began to unravel until she discovered, far later than she’d have liked, that he was a complete and utter fraud.

When Ellin wrote about her experience in Psychology Today, the responses were unlike anything she’d experienced as a journalist. Legions of people wrote in with similar stories, of otherwise sharp-witted and self-aware people being taken in by ludicrous scams. Why was it so hard to spot these outlandish stories? Why were so many of the perpetrators male, and so many of the victims female? Was there something universal at play here?

In Duped, New York Times journalist Abby Ellin explores the secret lives of compulsive liars, and the tragedy of those who trust them – who have experienced severe, prolonged betrayal – and the terrible impact on their sense of reality and their ability to trust ever again. Studying the art and science of lying, talking to victims who’ve had their worlds turned upside down, and writing with great openness about her own mistakes, she lays the phenomenon bare. Ellin offers us a shocking and intimate look not only at the damage that the duplicitous cause, but the painful reaction of a society that is all too quick to blame the believer.

Different types of fraudsters fleece their marks using a variety of techniques. The trade-craft playbook includes many chapters on the psychological sleights needed to induce targets to cooperate. Some of these include guile, charm, lures and promises. And, of course, lying and the imperceptible strategic exploitation of victims’ blind-spots is a constant. The taxonomy of frauds also includes a many of other technical mechanisms, such as accounting falsifications, check-kiting, market manipulation, Ponzi schemes, advance fee fraud, embezzlement, among a litany of others, each of which requires different expertise and skill sets.

In 2011, Dutch psychologist Diedrik Stapel, who published 130 well regarded studies on human behaviour, was discovered to have fabricated data for at least 55 of them. A few years later he wrote what an autobiographical thriller, Derailed, detailing the way he conned his fellow scientists. (“I opened the file that contained research data I had entered and changed an unexpected 2 into a 4.”) Along with some praise, there were accusations of plagiarism of James Joyce and Raymond Carver.
Andrew Ingham, a British supermarket manager in Hertfordshire, England, kept two wives and twelve children who lived only ten miles apart. Three months after the families became aware of one another in early 2012, he hung himself.

Fraud Tainted by Emotion

Elder financial abuse, as in Francine’s case, doesn’t appear out of the blue, experts say. It may be the result of long-
festering family issues. Sometimes a big dose of rationalization is involved. “One of the things I’ve heard is, ‘It’s OK to steal or take this money from Mom and Dad because it’s my inheritance,’ ” says Jilenne Gunther, director of AARP’s BankSafe initiative.

Substance abuse may also play a role, Gunther says. The perpetrator may be a child or friend with a drug addiction.

Once someone close to you gets over the moral hurdles, the logistics are easy. A relative or friend, unlike a larcenous stranger, knows or can quickly find out exactly what you own and where it is. Most important, that person has your trust. Once a fraudster has that, experts say, getting you to agree to requests is relatively simple.

“This is the easiest crime to commit,” says Karen Sundstrom, who works for the Lexington County, South Carolina, Recreation and Aging Commission as an advocate for older adults who experience abuse. “It’s a piece of cake.”

When you think of the villains who defraud older people, you might picture crooks hacking into bank accounts or selling bogus stocks. But don’t be misled.

The real scoundrels might be sitting at your next family gathering, looking as innocent as folks in a Norman Rockwell painting. Roughly 6 out of 10 cases of elder financial abuse are committed by relatives, according to a large-scale 2014 study. And about 3 out of 10 instances can be traced to friends, neighbors or home care aides. In other words, 90 percent of perpetrators of fraud are known to their victims.

Even scarier: The closer the tie between perpetrator and victim, the greater the damage. A detailed study of elder financial abuse in Utah found that the amount stolen by people who knew their victim averaged $116,000 — nearly triple the haul taken by strangers. Criminals within the family got even more: $148,000. And the thieves who stole the most money — $262,000, on average — were the victims’ children.

Maybe you thought such thefts occurred only among the rich and famous — think of Brooke Astor, the New York heiress whose son was convicted of swindling her.

I suggest to label the narcissistic psychopath’s version of empathy: “cold empathy”, akin to the “cold emotions” felt by psychopaths. The cognitive element of empathy is there, but not so its emotional correlate. It is, consequently, a barren, detached, and cerebral kind of intrusive gaze, devoid of compassion and a feeling of affinity with one’s fellow humans.

Narcissists and psychopaths also appear to be “empathizing” with their possessions: objects, pets, and their sources of narcissistic supply or material benefits (often their nearest and dearest, significant others, or “<a class="at cg fe ff fg fh" href="http://samvak.tripod.com/journal85.html&quot; target="_blank" rel="noopener" style="box-sizing: inherit; color: inherit; text-decoration: none; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; background-repeat: repeat-x; background-image: url(" data:image svg+xml;utf8, “); background-size: 1px 1px; background-position: 0px calc(1em + 1px);”>friends” and associates). But this is not real empathy: it is a mere projection of the narcissist’s or psychopath’s own insecurities and fears, needs and wishes, fantasies and priorities. This kind of displayed “empathy” usually vanishes the minute its subject ceases to play a role in the narcissist’s or psychopath’s life and his psychodynamic processes.

The narcissist lance them — the high and mighty and successful and the happy people, those who possess what I deserve and never had, the object of his green eyed monsters. The narcissist inconveniences them, makes them think, reflect on their own misery and wallow in its rancid outcomes. He coerces them to confront their zombie state, their own sadism, their unforgivable deeds and unforgettable omissions. He dredges the sewer that is their mind, forcing to the surface long repressed emotions, oft suppressed pains, their nightmares and their fears.

And he pretends to do so selflessly, “for their own good”. The narcissist preaches and hectors and pours forth vitriolic diatribes and exposes and imposes and writhes and foams in the proverbial mouth — all for the greater good. He is so righteous, so true, so geared to help, so meritorious. His motives are unassailable. He is always so chillingly reasoned, so algorithmically precise. The narcissist is frozen wrath. He plays their alien game by their very own rules. But he is so foreign to them, that he is unbeatable. Only they do not realize it yet.