Month: January 2020

A mother discovers that her children have been sexually abused by a close relative for years. It’s the stuff of nightmares, yet such cases are frighteningly common. Here she tells her family’s story in the hope it helps others identify the danger signs.

https://www.smh.com.au/national/groomed-by-a-grandfather-20190312-p513jb.html

This is regarding my boyfriend’s grandpa- I’m pretty close to the whole family but recent events are making things complicated.

Grandpa is 91 years old and lives in a house by himself but my boyfriend and his sister take turns staying overnight to care for him to make sure he doesn’t fall while going to bathroom, etc

Grandpa is making sexual advances toward granddaughter. I don’t know what to do?.https://www.agingcare.com/questions/grandpa-is-making-sexual-advances-toward-granddaughter-i-dont-know-what-to-do-440745.htm

My grandfather keeps saying hurtful, sexually inappropriate things… but he’s dying. Should I spend time with him?

There’s no right answer to this one, says our elder. You have to do what feels right to you.

Dear EWC

This is really strange to write, but I need help with this. I haven’t spoken to anyone, because my family doesn’t understand and will think of me as dramatic. (They are sociopaths, unfortunately.) Anyway, my grandfather is dying. He has cancer in his lungs and his self-care is very poor despite this. I want to go visit him and spend time with him, but a part of me doesn’t want to. I only write this because he’s made very inappropriate comments to me. He’s not my blood grandfather, but I grew up with him as a little girl. Things he’s said… well just yesterday while my grandma was talking to me on the phone, I mentioned how I got extra money this weekend, and when she asked how, I heard him in the back saying, “selling p**sy.” Which was so inappropriate and hurt my feelings. I never disrespect my grandpa. He’s also commented on my breast size and calls me his girlfriend as a joke. It is starting to feel like all this time he wasn’t my grandpa, to begin with, but I don’t want him to leave me without saying goodbye. I’m really torn and up

Dying grandad is inappropriate

If there is one thing the #MeToo movement has done, it has brought the topic of sexual abuse to the forefront. With new allegations of abuse and assault filling our airwaves and clogging our newsfeeds, it can be scary to think about how common sexual abuse is. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates that 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls will be abused before the age of 18. The consequences of sexual abuse can be severe, including depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and actions, and even physical health problems. So what can you as a parent do to avoid having your child become one of these statistics? Tempting as it might be to put your head in the sand, being knowledgeable and informed about abuse is one of the best ways we can protect our children.

The following 10 tips will help you identify who might pose a risk and how you can keep your children safe from abuse:

https://www.workingmother.com/10-ways-to-keep-your-child-safe-from-sneakiest-sexual-abuser

She chose a pedophile over me. She chose to roll over in her bed at night when he got out of the bed to come into mine. She chose to put me in the bedroom across the hall from them, instead of further down the hall, out of his grasp. She knew he had groomed me with threats to keep my mouth shut for all of these years, and groomed my parents, his own son, to trust him to leave their precious child alone with him because grandparents should be the adults you can trust to leave your child alone with.

She knew all of this, I would come to figure out as she and I argued. And yet, she chose their money over me, even though she was an educated woman and could have supported herself without him. She chose security in their wealth and success over me. She chose everything else in her life over an innocent child.

My Grandpa Was A Sexual Predator. Thank God My Parents Listened To Me.

As a parent, one of your strongest instincts is to keep your child safe – from harm, from abuse, from being preyed upon. Predators – do you know what to look for if someone is “grooming” your child?

Predators are hidden in plain sight – they can be an older sibling, family member, relative, colleague or friend. In fact, 90% of the time a predator is someone with a relationship to the victim and the family.

You may be thinking… that won’t happen to my child, that can’t happen to our family. But it can. The best thing you do is to be prepared to spot the red flags BEFORE something happens. Predators have child grooming techniques you can learn to spot.

Common Tricks a Child Predator Uses: Telling Signs of a Child Predator

As predators get away with their acts, they learn the best ways to deflect others from discovering their secrets, and they enjoy the lack of accountability. They devise different sets of values for different life frames, so that they can speak convincingly about socially-approved venues of right and wrong, yet have no qualms about their socially-condemned behavior.

Robert Hare, one of the world’s foremost experts on psychopathic behavior, believes that people need to know what to do in the event they find themselves involved or associated with a predatory psychopath. Among his tips:

1. Be careful of props—the winning smile, the promises, the fast talk, and the gifts meant to deflect you from the manipulation and exploitation that may be occurring. “Any of these characteristics,” he says, “can have enormous sleight-of-hand value, serving to distract you.”
2. Anyone who seems too perfect is. Psychopaths hide their dark sides until they get their target person deeply involved. Too much flattery, feigned kindness, and cracks in grandiose stories should provide clues and put you on your guard. Make reasonable inquiries.
3. Know yourself—or you might be vulnerable from your blind spots. Predators know how to find and use your triggers, so the more you realize what you tend to fall for, the more closely you can guard against it.

The relationships your kids have with their grandparents can be extremely especial and among the most important relationships in their young lives. Unfortunately, however, some grandparents aren’t all that “grand” when it comes to how they treat their grandkids. Worse, their behavior can take a turn toward the emotionally abusive. As more parents rely on their own parents for child care and support, it’s important to know the signs of an emotionally abusive grandparent. After all, they aren’t always straightforward.

According to Lana Adler, writer and founder of Toxic Ties — an organization that provides support and resources for people in toxic relationships — one sign of a toxic grandparent is playing favorites. While you might not think your kids notice that their cousin gets showered with praise, while they receive only criticism from grandma, they do. Child advocate and parent educator Lori Petro adds that often emotional abuse will manifest as behavior changes in your child — like aggression or acting withdrawn — before or after a visit with their grandparents. The Mayo Clinic website adds that other signs of emotional abuse include a victim constantly seeking approval or love from their abuser, and since children can easily blame themselves and feel responsible for breakdowns in their relationship with their grandparent how they behave around that individual will be a large indicator that something is amiss.

For more signs of an emotionally abusive grandparent, and tips on how to protect your child if it happens to them, read on:

What makes grandparents toxic in parents’ lives?

When there are conflicts between grandparents and parents, there is usually an issue with roles and choices. Parents and grandparents may not agree about all issues related to raising the children (grandchildren), and grandparents may not accept the fact that parents have the ultimate “authority” to make decisions and choices about how they are raising their children. A grandparents’ key role is to support their adult children in raising their grandchildren and to love their grandchildren unconditionally. If they don’t see their role that way, or if the parents see their role differently and there is no agreement, the relationship, (like any relationship wrought with conflict) can become very negative and even, as you say, toxic.

How can parents draw personal boundaries for themselves? For their children?

Parents need to be clear about their priorities and “deal breakers.” What are the issues that they feel the most strongly about? Is it most important that their kids stick to a strict bedtime schedule? Follow a certain diet? Be disciplined a certain way? Not receive certain gifts? There are always going to be things they feel strongly about, but it’s wise to pick your battles. Once you determine that, communicate your boundaries (or your children’s) in a very clear, concise way and be consistent. Be careful about how you communicate this- (see my tips below as they apply here too) – don’t turn it into a tug-o-war with the kids in the middle.

If the boundaries are crossed, what is the best way to confront an issue to make sure it is addressed?