Month: August 2021

Here are six potential reasons why you might be attracting damaged men (or women):

1. Low self-esteem. In my opinion, people with low self-esteem, who don’t think they can attract someone better than a person exhibiting these bad behaviors tend to go after damaged men (or women.)

2. You don’t want to be alone. Some people can’t stand not being in a relationship. They view being single as lonely and sad. (Which is my theory for people who rush into second marriages). And so, they settle for someone they know isn’t right, because in their mind, it’s better than not having someone.

3. You’re stuck in a pattern. Here’s an example. A person’s father cheated on their mom and they knew it growing up but no one talked about it. Then let’s say they married a man who cheated and they got divorced. Now, they get into relationships with guys who cheat, because that’s all they know. There is a subconscious comfort in the familiarity and they don’t realize that they need to break this awful pattern and attract a different kind of man.

4. You don’t like or love yourself. A lack of self-love almost always leads to people dating men (or women) who aren’t right for them. Maybe they are even punishing themselves by going after people who don’t treat them well or make them happy.

5. You subconsciously don’t want to be involved with anyone. People who don’t want to be in a relationship will often go after men (or women) they know they aren’t ending up with because it’s safe. Maybe they get involved with someone who is much younger or much older, or someone just out of a long-term relationship, or someone of a different cultural background, because it’s safe. Or, they attract a big drinker, and they continue to date him for a long time because in their mind, they are saying “this guy is great to date, but I would never marry someone who drinks this much.” So, if there’s no way it’s going to turn into a marriage, and in their mind, they don’t want marriage, that works out perfectly.

6. Isn’t every man (and woman) damaged in a way? I’ll come right out and say it. I’m damaged. That doesn’t make me a bad person, or a person who can’t have a successful relationship in the future. But let’s call a spade a spade. A divorced person (and really, anyone who is older and who has lived a life) is in a way, damaged.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/6-reasons-why-you-might-b_b_7209648

Understanding the natural attraction two people have for each other is an essential foundation for discovering a healthier alternative. Here are five common examples.

• Magnetic attraction. The closer two opposing magnets get to each other, the stronger the connection. This concept explains these three typical examples. 
  • Introvert/extrovert: Introverts are drawn to those who are comfortable in social environments and can help to stabilize an otherwise anxious situation. Extroverts like the tranquility an introvert naturally possesses.
  • Hyperactive/unhurried: Unhurried people tend to have moments when their brain is turned off which is a direct contrast to the constant over-thinking of most hyperactive people. In some way, each wants a piece of what the other does not naturally have.
  • Sensitive/stoic: A sensitive person feels so deeply that it is a relief to be around a person who doesnt. Stoic people tend to admire the intensity of the sensitive person.
• Like finds like. This idea of Birds of a feather flock together, manifests in relationships that are matched by two people with the same type of personality trait. 
  • Passive-aggressive: No one understands a passive-aggressive person quite as well as another passive-aggressive person. This personality trait is marked by someone who feels an emotion such as anger but wont directly express it. Instead, it comes out in forgetfulness or procrastination of a task that has been repeatedly requested.
  • OCD: A person with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) appreciates and values another person with similar behavior. The two tend to feed off each other and normalize their dysfunctional actions.
  • Anxiety: Heightened bouts of anxiety and/or panic attacks are best understood by others who suffer from the same disorder. Those who dont experience intense anxiety tend to minimize the situation and its affect.
• Dysfunctions that match. This list is a small sampling of common disorders that are naturally drawn towards each other in a cycle that perpetuates the continuation of each. 
  • Addicts/co-dependents: In order for an addict to thrive, they need someone who enables their addiction. Co-dependents get pleasure from rescuing others especially those who are typically forgotten or misunderstood by others.
  • Borderline/dependent: A person with borderline personality disorder (BPD) is well-matched with a person who has a dependent personality disorder (DPD). The BPD has an intense fear of abandonment which is a good match for the DPD who will not leave even a dysfunctional relationship.
  • Aggression/suppression: The anger style of aggression likes to unleash on those who will not fight back, such as a person who suppresses their anger. Likewise, a suppressive person admires the aggressors ability to let go of their anger and not revisit it over and over.
• Parental attraction. Sigmund Freud believed that a person is often attracted to their parent in childhood. But weirdly enough some carry this subconscious attraction into their adult relationships. 
  • Marry favorite parent: A person might enter into a relationship with another because of the strong similarities a mate possesses with the parent they most adore. While this might be favorable initially, sexual attraction often diminishes when the realization of the similarities becomes more conscious.
  • Marry least favorite parent: By contrast, some enter into a relationship with a person very similar to the parent they least liked. This is a subconscious attempt to heal the broken relationship between the adult child and their parent.
• Trauma rehashed. Unfortunately, when trauma has not been dealt with properly, people often place themselves in similar places of vulnerability 
  • Abusers/abused: This is most clearly demonstrated when a person finishes with one abusive relationship only to enter into another one. Until the reason for the tolerance of the abuse is addressed, a person will continue to repeat the abusive pattern.

Problems do not go away. They must be worked through or else they remain, forever a barrier to the growth and development of the spirit. M. Scott Peck wrote in his book, The Road Less Traveled, which is the inspiration for this article. Healing from natural dysfunctional attractions opens a person up to healthy functional relationships.

https://psychcentral.com/pro/exhausted-woman/2017/12/5-types-of-people-who-are-naturally-attracted-to-each-other#3

It’s no accident.

You might just think it’s bad luck—you just happened to have ended up with toxic partners. If, once, you’re unlucky enough to meet a toxic person, spend a short while in an unsatisfactory relationship, and then extricate yourself, you might just have had a one-off bad experience.

However, if you continue to stay in a long-term relationship with a toxic person or you have had a stream of toxic partners, you may need to accept that you are choosing this type of person on an unconscious level (they’ll also be choosing you, similarly). 

You may be recreating patterns from your past.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder/202011/why-do-i-keep-attracting-toxic-partners

Is it true that like attracts like? When it comes to mental health, it seems the answer is yes.

A study published in JAMA Psychiatry this week sheds light on the influence of psychiatric disorders on relationships and mating. 

The study from the famous Karolinska Insitute in Swedenexamined over 700,000 men and women with psychiatric diagnoses and compared them to over three million people without psychiatric diagnoses.

They measured marital resemblance for psychiatric disorders. Marital resemblance is the degree to which we marry people who resemble us in some characteristic or another. 

For instance, marital resemblance is positively correlated for personality, height and weight – so we have a positive tendency to marry people who are similar to us on these characteristics. 

Debate has raged for years around the influence of psychiatric disorders on relationships, and the genetic risks for offspring, but no one has ever collected data on such a large number of people.

https://theconversation.com/when-it-comes-to-mental-health-like-attracts-like-55381

Jennifer Harman, a professor of psychology, reviewed 967 appellate court decisions in which parental alienation played a role. The findings, published in Psychology, Public Policy, and Law, suggested that parents who engaged in alienation tended to receive less parenting time, while those who falsely alleged being alienated were unlikely to receive more parenting time.

“The heartening thing is that the court does not seem to be taking any allegation of parental alienation or abuse lightly,” Harman told the CSU news service. “Our data proves that the courts are saying ‘This is serious, and this is affecting children, and we should protect these children from this kind of abuse.’”

Harman and her co-author, Demosthenes Lorandos, undertook the study in response to a 2019 publication from the George Washington University Law School. In that study, researchers reported the opposite: that courts too readily bought into the parental alienation theory and under-validated legitimate abuse allegations.

https://www.coloradopolitics.com/news/csu-researchers-findings-suggest-courts-adequately-handle-manipulative-behavior-in-custody-cases/article_8a36c3ce-3efe-11eb-aa49-03db49f92242.html

“Reunification therapy” is regularly ordered in family court for children who resist contact with a parent they claim is abusive. Based on my client’s experience of court-ordered reunification with her father who had sexually abused her, this case study demonstrates the harmful effect of forced contact between a child and an abusive parent. My client’s involvement in this reunification process further illustrates how implicit bias can cause family court professionals to mistakenly attribute a child’s legitimate estrangement from a parent to “parental alienation”. To prevent further harm to the child, and to ensure that courts receive reliable evidence of the child’s experience, this case study highlights the need for the appointment of a trauma-informed attorney to advocate for the child’s expressed interests.

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/26904586.2021.1957059?src=&journalCode=wjcc21

Some cases of erotomania have documented delusions that emerged after a stroke or a brain hemorrhage, in the setting of dementia, and along with neurocognitive deficits suggesting a link to dysfunction in the frontotemporal part of the brain.^7-10 Others have described co-occurrence with “misidentification syndromes,” like Capgras syndrome (in which sufferers have a delusion that people have been replaced by imposters) and Fregoli syndrome (in which individuals believe that a single person is taking on the appearance and identity of many others), which are thought to be rooted in problems with facial recognition and are often related to right hemisphere brain injuries.¹¹

The co-occurrence of erotomania with neuropsychological deficits raises the question of whether erotomania itself might be best understood as a kind of cognitive deficit, or even a misidentification syndrome. People with erotomania misidentify expressions of love where they don’t exist, reading into the facial expressions, gestures, or online social interactions of others in a way that suggests cognitive impairments related to “theory of mind”—the ability to discern what other people are thinking or feeling.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/psych-unseen/201904/erotomania-when-love-is-delusion

Erotomania is when you think someone is in love with you but they’re not. It may be a person you’ve never met. They might even be famous, like a politician or an actor. You can be so sure of this love that you think you’re in a relationship with this person. You may not be able to accept facts that prove otherwise.

Also called de Clérambault syndrome, erotomania is rare. It can happen on its own. But it’s usually linked to another mental health condition, like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. It can last for weeks or years.

It’s important to get help if you have these symptoms. If you don’t, you might do things that aren’t safe for you or the other person. A doctor can help you figure out the best treatment.

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-erotomania

It’s normal for couples to talk about the future once things get more serious. They might discuss vacations they want to take together, how many kids they intend to have, or what their wedding will look like.

But when someone you’re dating talks a big game about what you’ll do together down the road without delivering on their promises, that can be pretty confusing, not to mention downright frustrating.

If this scenario sounds familiar to you, you may very well have dated a “future faker.” Similar to other games people might play in order to get what they want while dating — leaving digital breadcrumbs in the form of an occasional text or social media push just to keep someone on the hook, for instance — future faking is another manipulative form of seduction that involves telling someone exactly what they want to hear. They keep you around by giving you false hope for the future, but deep down, they have no intention of keeping their promises.

Whether you’ve already dealt with a future faker, you think you’re dating one now, or you just want to strengthen your radar so you can avoid these deceivers down the line, here’s everything you need to know about this destructive dating trend.

https://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice/what-is-future-faking-a-look-at-this-incredibly-destructive-dating-habit.html