I’ve written a fair amount on parental alienation and parental alienation syndrome (PAS) or parental alienation disorder (PAD). I’ve said before that I’m in no way qualified to give an opinion about whether the behavioral changes displayed by an alienated child fit the American Psychiatric Association’s definition of a discrete syndrome or disorder. Continue reading “Parental Alienation Causes Short And Long-Term Damage To Children”
Long Term Parental Alienation is Irreversible
Posting again – Originally posted May 2016 – but still as relevant now as it was then – skip the story and read the response. The most popular post this year!
LONG TERM PARENTAL ALIENATION IS IRREVERSIBLE – nothing has changed since starting this blog 10 years ago!!!!!
Copy of an email recently sent to a specialist dealing with Parental Alienation and Family Estrangement requesting help and advice:-
Normal family with 2 children aged 11 and 13. Many happy family occasions, holidays, family Christmas’s together ect.
I had issues with ex husband and filed for divorce back in 1990.
My daughter came home one day and told she was having a new mother who could cook better than me!!!
The divorce was quick but the arrangements with the children were not dealt with until later on.
Both children lived with me, no financial support, lots or harassment and the usual nasty stuff. Father was not bothered about the children, more interested in the new girlfriend. Kept telling me that everyone had a price tag and that the children could be bought!!! Not sure what he meant until the expensive presents were given to my daughter. She went to live with him and the poisoning started.
He went for a residence order for my daughter as she wanted to live with him as she had just been bought a horse. I could not compete and would not compete.
My son stayed with me and refused to see his father despite my best efforts. My son and daughter did not see each other. I found this as heart-breaking as not seeing her myself as I had always had a very close relationship with my own brother.
Time went by and eventually my son agreed to see his father and he took them away 1 week before Xmas. On their return my son said he wanted to live with his father.
Once the father had my son he went for a residence order for my son which I was told by the courts I could not fight, as it was the children’s wishes.
After the 2 residence orders he went back to court and demanded to live in the family home with the 2 children and refused to sell it and give me a financial settlement.
During all this time the children refused to see me, shouted abuse at me whenever I tried to approach the house, shot at me with an air rifle, pushed me through a glass window on Mothers day.
My ex husband would not even allow me to see them their birthday’s or at Christmas. I wrote many letters and requested photographs which my children never received.
I went to my daughter’s school and was told that they had been told that I had died!!!
I went to my son’s school and was told that my son did not want me to go to the school as it was embarrassing.
I had difficulty obtaining school reports.
I was not told when my children were in hospital, I discovered this through someone I knew locally. When contacting the hospital I was told I could not be given any information as I did not have the residence order.
I did not know that by allowing the residence order I had virtually given up all my rights as a parent.
My ex husband threatened me and my new boyfriend and generally made it impossible to see the children.
By this time the children were so badly damaged I started to back off. My son would spit in my face in the street, called me and my mother disgusting abusive names, cut off all communication with my family, all the usual alienation stuff.
The courts were not interested and the social worker involved was manipulated by the children and their father. I was told years later that the father dated the social worker!!!!
Very lucky I had the support of my family because you soon learn who your friends are in these situations.
The abuse went on for years and years.
I had a new relationship 2 years after the divorce and was fortunate enough to share my husbands children who were very loving and understanding. We lived quite close to my ex and my children, and my new husband and his children had to witness much of the abuse that was thrown my way.
Despite all of this my new husband’s children have managed to survive their parents divorce, so it can work when the parents are sensible and work together.
I have 2 large files with over 8 years of paperwork to support what I have said which my children will read one day. I have been advised to destroy it all as my children will not thank me for reminding them what happened. Others have said keep in case they ask questions so I can give them correct and accurate answers. At the moment I still have the files!!!!
Well 25 years on I have spent 6 weeks with my son, 10 years ago which was short-lived. I have had 9 years with my daughter who now has a little boy of 11 and a granddaughter I have never met. This all came to an abrupt end over 2 years ago and I am now alienated from both daughter and grandson.
I love them both and my grandson very much and I hope there is someone close enough to them both who loves them and cares for them enough to encourage them to seek the help they need in order to try to live a happy and healthy life.
In the meantime I will continue to enjoy my husband’s children and their children. It’s no substitute for my own, but I love them all the same.
After all this time your children are probably not even aware of what your ex husband is doing. Victims of parental alienation are not aware that they are being mistreated and often cling vehemently to the favored parent, even when that parent’s behavior is harmful to them.
You cannot force an ex-spouse to cease his or her hate campaign.
Some alienating parents intend to turn the child against the other parent–permantely. They stop at nothing. One study depicts this unfortunate, but true, reality, “a minority of parents who suffer from personality and mental disorders may ignore the court and spend their waking hours finding ways to exhaust the other parent emotionally and financially”
Without legal intervention to limit an alienating parent’s access to a child and to have the brainwashed child deprogrammed by a specialist, it is unlikely that a child will ever recover from PAS. The tragedy is that they have lost their free will and ability to make rational choices over their lives. They are likely to experience serious psychiatric disorders, have poor social relationships, and of course pass the problem on to their children.
Toxic Positivity: The Dark Side of Positive Vibes
“Everything worthwhile in life is won through surmounting the associated negative experience. Any attempt to escape the negative, to avoid it or quash it or silence it, only backfires. The avoidance of suffering is a form of suffering. The avoidance of struggle is a struggle. The denial of failure is a failure. Hiding what is shameful is itself a form of shame.
The Psychodynamic Diagnostic Manual-2:
Understanding Personality Syndromes
Robert M. Gordon, Ph.D. ABPP in Clinical Psychology and in Psychoanalysis
Detachment is crucial.
You have no control over someone else’s behavior, but you can work on your own reaction to it. When going no-contact isn’t an option that you’re willing or able to choose, Thomas recommends forging an emotional boundary with what she calls “detached contact.”
The Law of Detachment
So, detachment means not getting emotionally involved with drama, even though the drama is occurring all around us, and even though our loved ones might be insisting that we go through a drama with them. A person who can detach is NOT selfish, cold-hearted, or insensitive, but that’s what we feel they are when they won’t go along with our drama. Misery loves company, and when we can’t get company for our drama, we make the person’s lack of emotional participation a whole other drama to add to the one we’re already experiencing. So now we have two dramas to deal with — and the person is still detached! We judge that person as being selfish, cold-hearted, and insensitive, when in reality what they are doing is respecting our Free Will choice to feel what we feel, and their Free Will choice to determine for themselves what they will feel.
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