Category: Estrangement

Q & A – I am looking for estranged child support group

I’m sorry to hear that you’re dealing with estrangement from your child. It can be a difficult and painful experience.

There are many support groups available for parents who are estranged from their children. These groups can provide a safe and supportive space for you to share your experiences, connect with others who are going through similar situations, and receive emotional support.

Here are some resources you might find helpful:

  1. Stand Alone – a UK-based charity that provides support and resources for adults who are estranged from their families.
  2. Parents of Estranged Adult Children – a private Facebook group where parents can connect with others who are experiencing estrangement from their adult children.
  3. Reddit – there are several subreddits dedicated to estrangement and family relationships, including r/estrangedadultchild and r/parentingestrangedchildren.
  4. Therapy – working with a therapist or counselor can also be helpful for processing the emotions surrounding estrangement and developing coping strategies.

Remember, it’s important to take care of yourself during this difficult time. Seeking out support and finding ways to cope can help you navigate this challenging experience.

©Linda Turner http://parentalalienationpas.com 2023

Q & A -What is the difference between estrangement and parental alienation?

Estrangement and parental alienation are both terms that describe a breakdown in the relationship between a parent and child, but they refer to different situations.

Estrangement is the term used to describe a situation in which an adult child or minor child voluntarily and intentionally chooses to sever or significantly reduce contact with a parent. Estrangement can occur for a variety of reasons, such as ongoing conflict, abuse, neglect, or differences in values or lifestyles. In cases of estrangement, the child is seen as an active participant in the decision to distance themselves from the parent.

Parental alienation, on the other hand, is a term used to describe a situation in which one parent deliberately and systematically undermines the relationship between a child and the other parent. This can involve making false accusations of abuse, denying or restricting access to the child, or engaging in other behaviors that are intended to turn the child against the other parent. In cases of parental alienation, the child is seen as a victim of manipulation or coercion by the alienating parent.

The key difference between estrangement and parental alienation is the role of each party in the breakdown of the relationship. In cases of estrangement, the child is seen as an active participant in the decision to distance themselves from the parent, whereas in cases of parental alienation, the child is seen as a victim of manipulation or coercion by the alienating parent.

It is important to note that the term parental alienation is controversial and not universally accepted as a diagnosis or legal term.

©Linda Turner

What evidence can I send to prove that I am estranged from my parents?

You must provide a letter or statement from an independent person with good standing in the community, such as a professional person, which confirms you are irreconcilably estranged from your parents.

You must have had no contact with either parent for at least 12 months, although exceptions can be considered to this timeframe, to be deemed as irreconcilably estranged from your parents. Just living apart from them or their unwillingness to provide their information on your application will not be considered.

This independent person should have known you and your circumstances for a substantial amount of time, however must not be a relation or close friend of the family.

The letter or statement should be on headed paper and include the following information about the independent person;

  • Their full name 
  • Their job title
  • Their contact details
  • The capacity in which they know you
  • How long they have known you
  • How long you have been estranged from your parents and how long they have been aware of the circumstances regarding the estrangement

What is legal estrangement from parents UK?

You must have had no contact with either parent for at least 12 months, although exceptions can be considered to this timeframe, to be deemed as irreconcilably estranged from your parents. Just living apart from them or their unwillingness to provide their information on your application will not be considered.

Should You Lend Money to an Estranged Adult Child?

The short answer is no, don’t lend money to an estranged adult child. If you can’t afford to make it a gift (or if you choose not to), it may be better to avoid any financial involvement.

If you can help it, try not to become your child’s creditor.

As a creditor you’re on the hook to take action if your child defaults. This doesn’t bode well for a good outcome when there’s already tension in your relationship.

What should you do in the event that you already loaned your adult child money? Now she’s estranged and not paying you back.

Episode 88: Should You Lend Money to an Estranged Adult Child?

Long Term Parental Alienation is Irreversible

Posting again –  Originally posted May 2016 – but still as relevant now as it was then – skip the story and read the response. The most popular post this year!

LONG TERM PARENTAL ALIENATION IS IRREVERSIBLE – nothing has changed since starting this blog 10 years ago!!!!!

Copy of an email recently sent to a specialist dealing with Parental Alienation and Family Estrangement requesting help and advice:-

Background information:-

Normal family with 2 children aged 11 and 13. Many happy family occasions, holidays, family Christmas’s together ect.
I had issues with ex husband and filed for divorce back in 1990.

My daughter came home one day and told she was having a new mother who could cook better than me!!!

The divorce was quick but the arrangements with the children were not dealt with until later on.

Both children lived with me, no financial support, lots or harassment and the usual nasty stuff. Father was not bothered about the children, more interested in the new girlfriend. Kept telling me that everyone had a price tag and that the children could be bought!!! Not sure what he meant until the expensive presents were given to my daughter. She went to live with him and the poisoning started.

He went for a residence order for my daughter as she wanted to live with him as she had just been bought a horse. I could not compete and would not compete.

My son stayed with me and refused to see his father despite my best efforts. My son and daughter did not see each other. I found this as heart-breaking as not seeing her myself as I had always had a very close relationship with my own brother.

Time went by and eventually my son agreed to see his father and he took them away 1 week before Xmas. On their return my son said he wanted to live with his father.

Once the father had my son he went for a residence order for my son which I was told by the courts I could not fight, as it was the children’s wishes.

After the 2 residence orders he went back to court and demanded to live in the family home with the 2 children and refused to sell it and give me a financial settlement.

During all this time the children refused to see me, shouted abuse at me whenever I tried to approach the house, shot at me with an air rifle, pushed me through a glass window on Mothers day.

My ex husband would not even allow me to see them their birthday’s or at Christmas. I wrote many letters and requested photographs which my children never received.

I went to my daughter’s school and was told that they had been told that I had died!!!

I went to my son’s school and was told that my son did not want me to go to the school as it was embarrassing.

I had difficulty obtaining school reports.

I was not told when my children were in hospital, I discovered this through someone I knew locally. When contacting the hospital I was told I could not be given any information as I did not have the residence order.

I did not know that by allowing the residence order I had virtually given up all my rights as a parent.

My ex husband threatened me and my new boyfriend and generally made it impossible to see the children.

By this time the children were so badly damaged I started to back off. My son would spit in my face in the street, called me and my mother disgusting abusive names, cut off all communication with my family, all the usual alienation stuff.

The courts were not interested and the social worker involved was manipulated by the children and their father. I was told years later that the father dated the social worker!!!!

Very lucky I had the support of my family because you soon learn who your friends are in these situations.

The abuse went on for years and years.

I had a new relationship 2 years after the divorce and was fortunate enough to share my husbands children who were very loving and understanding. We lived quite close to my ex and my children, and my new husband and his children had to witness much of the abuse that was thrown my way.

Despite all of this my new husband’s children have managed to survive their parents divorce, so it can work when the parents are sensible and work together.

I have 2 large files with over 8 years of paperwork to support what I have said which my children will read one day. I have been advised to destroy it all as my children will not thank me for reminding them what happened. Others have said keep in case they ask questions so I can give them correct and accurate answers. At the moment I still have the files!!!!
Well 25 years on I have spent 6 weeks with my son, 10 years ago which was short-lived. I have had 9 years with my daughter who now has a little boy of 11 and a granddaughter I have never met. This all came to an abrupt end over 2 years ago and I am now alienated from both daughter and grandson.

I love them both and my grandson very much and I hope there is someone close enough to them both who loves them and cares for them enough to encourage them to seek the help they need in order to try to live a happy and healthy life.

In the meantime I will continue to enjoy my husband’s children and their children. It’s no substitute for my own, but I love them all the same.

response:-

After all this time your children are probably not even aware of what your ex husband is doing. Victims of parental alienation are not aware that they are being mistreated and often cling vehemently to the favored parent, even when that parent’s behavior is harmful to them.

You cannot force an ex-spouse to cease his or her hate campaign. 

Some alienating parents intend to turn the child against the other parent–permantely. They stop at nothing.  One study depicts this unfortunate, but true, reality, “a minority of parents who suffer from personality and mental disorders may ignore the court and spend their waking hours finding ways to exhaust the other parent emotionally and financially”

Without legal intervention to limit an alienating parent’s access to a child and to have the brainwashed child deprogrammed by a specialist, it is unlikely that a child will ever recover from PAS. The tragedy is that they have lost their free will and ability to make rational choices over their lives. They are likely to experience serious psychiatric disorders, have poor social relationships, and of course pass the problem on to their children.

You dont choose estrangement!

If I’m no longer a mother, then what am I?

by Sheri McGregor, M.A.

It’s a question I hear often after an adult child’s estrangement. Among the more than 9,000 mothers who have answered my survey for parents of estranged adult children, or reached out in site comments or in emails, hundreds ask the same or a similar question.

Even the busiest mothers go out of their way for their adult children. Sometimes, mothers even say their lives revolved around them, as if they’ve been on-call.

For some, the question has layers of complexity that make the situation even more heartbreaking. Like when grandchildren are involved, which makes the loss even more cruel and sad.

Grandmothers picture the sweet, innocent faces of the grandchildren their estranged son or daughter has ripped away, and worry what awful picture is being painted about them. That they’re crazy? Or worse, that they don’t care? Those women may ask, if I’m no longer the devoted grandmother, always there and ready to help, then who am I?

read the full answer to this question and many more on this website:- http://www.rejectedparents.net/category/answers-to-common-questions/

Adult Children Explain Their Reasons for Estranging from Parents

This article reports on a qualitative study of adult children who were estranged from at least one parent. Twenty-six Australian participants reported a total of 40 estrangements. Of these, 23 estrangements were initiated by the participant and 16 were maintained by the participant after being initiated by the parent or occurring after a mutual lessening of contact. Participants reported three core reasons for estrangement: (i) abuse, (ii) poor parenting, and (iii) betrayal. However, estrangement was predominantly situated in long-term perceived or actual disconnection from the parent and family of origin. Most participants had engaged in cycles of estrangement and reunification, using distance to assess the relationship and attend to their own personal development and growth across time. Estrangement was generally triggered by a relatively minor incident or a more serious act of betrayal considered to have been enacted by the parent.

http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/0312407X.2015.1004355#.VRvshzGUeSo

Love Yourself

“You’re Dead To Me,” Why Estrangement Hurts So Much

During the early stages of researching family estrangement I received a phone call from a woman named Cathy*. She didn’t want to be a part of my research. She needed to tell me something. I didn’t realise how important or memorable it would be until I interviewed more and more people and the same theme emerged. She told me that she was a mother of two children – both were lost to her. One had died from cancer in his teens and the other had estranged in her early 20s. I will never forget her words: “The pain of your child dying is incredible, but losing a child to estrangement is unbearable– it hurts so, so much more”.  Taken from

Understanding the pain
Post published by Kylie Agllias Ph.D. on Oct 03, 2014 in Family Conflict

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/family-conflict/201410/you-re-dead-me-why-estrangement-hurts-so-much-0?fb_action_ids=10153129542734836&fb_action_types=og.shares

support group

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